“To war” is not an acceptable rally point, you gome

If I’ve played Halo 3 with you, I might have complained about just how much I hate the character MIranda Keyes. Daughter of the thoroughly unconvincing but brilliant tactician and spiritual leader, Cpt. Keyes (Halo 1), she is brought up presumably with the intent of flag-folding whilst shirking human contact. However, with the unfortunate death of her father as a result of having the protagonist HALO forcibly remove Cpt. Keyes’ cranio-neural implants, it falls to Miranda to accept the enormous burden of spiritual leader to all quirky, smart-mouthed, quick-fire, ask questions later while throwing questionable grenades men and women of service throughout the Anglophilic galaxy.

See, thats fine. That is a typical science fiction narrative, constructed with typical enthusiasm for linking every facet of the lore together, such that it ends up resembling a congenitally deformed medusa, with a writhing scalp full of looping snake-neck, and no actual heads. Presumably this occurs because the linking of all points gives the illusion of a complex, well envisioned world to both the writer and reader. Did I mention that Miranda is not only the daughter of Cpt. Keyes, but also of Dr. Catherine Halsey, major character in the books, Halo:Reach, and the brain from which the central AI Cortana is cloned? What, so that makes Cortana and Miranda brain-siblings? Offspring? Right.

Still, that’s fine. However, Miranda is as infuriatingly insipid as her father was “gung-ho”. We assume she was some sort of effort at casting a believable female leader, and I wouldn’t mind her inexplicable leadership decisions, but she is basically a synthesis of all the shallow leadership clichés ever written for adventure fiction, further confounded within a lazy cliché of the Female Commanding Officer. And the things she says are fucking thick.

So I stole her neural implants. She was dead first, but it wouldn’t have stopped me.

to war my fucking eyes

Spoiler alert.

[h.ed.: misogyny retracted, apologies]

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